Journal of One
by OmangoOlemonadeO
Summary: Promised Day aftermath. Edward somehow got back to Risembool, but Winry was no longer there. Manga chapter 104 spoiler. One-shot. Major angst. EdxWin
1. Journal of One

_I haven't kept a diary for a long time. But I think I'll start one today, hopefully I can ease the worry and the pain of waiting. And it will not be kept in normal dates. It will be, when the time comes for me to be free of this hopeless yet unregretful devotion.  
_

_2 days since he went to settle things for the Promised Day…_

_I furiously refused the suggestion of taking Granny and Den out of the country two days ago. I really didn't know what lies ahead, but I know he will protect us. He can. Like he did when I was being held hostage. He will find a way. My faith in him never fails me; it had never failed me._

_I'll wait, and I believe that, next time I see him, I'll be so happy that I'd cry._

_It will happen. It sure will._

_Come back soon._

_9 days since he went…_

_I've been looking up new recipes for apple pies when I'm not busying myself around the warehouse. I've gotten better at it, for the brothers' sake. For some reason, I'm starting to get really worried- though I know I shouldn't be. He's been gone for longer periods, hasn't he? He has come back even when he was gone for longer. He will come back. He promised._

_I want to see you. _

_14 days since he went…_

_I've been used to waiting since I was small. It's no different this time. And secretly crying myself to sleep is not allowed. Not this time. Not when I have such an important promise._

_Be back soon. I'm thinking of you._

_19 days since he went…_

_There has been some talks about an eclipse since last week, but today, someone told me it's coming soon maybe even in a few days' time I have a weird intuition that what Ed's doing has got something to do with this…_

_No…I have to shake all these strange thoughts off! He's fine. They both are. They'll come back._

_Just believe._

_Please be back soon. I'm waiting. _

_23 days…_

_The clouds had gotten thicker by the day and it also looked like the eclipse is happening soon. Somehow, the atmosphere is strange- I can't even find the words to describe it. I really wish the brothers would safely return in no time. _

_But what's with this unease? It's as if gloom is closing in, with invisible scale and pace…but I have no idea where these thoughts come from. It reminds me of the time when mom and dad were away, and the sickening feeling of having to wait thickens every single day. I hope that this melancholic feeling I have has nothing to do with the ones I'm desperately wishing to see right this moment. That my faithful but rash decision of remaining in Amestris would not destroy any dreams or hopes of mine, or any of his. _

_I can't let my feelings get the better of me. I'll have to be calm. I've got to be. _

_It's time to fix up my last piece of work for the day…  
_

* * *

The next line of the journal was unreadable. The cursive writing had become even more so, and it looked like it was written with great difficulty.

But his blurred vision did not allow him to read further.

Some words on the journal were smudged as tears streamed down his face, onto the notebook he had in his hands. Tears of anguish. _What happened to 'tears of joy'?_ he thought.

He held the pages tightly against his chest, though the touch barely resembles that of its owner's. The gentle, warm touch he'd felt all these years. He felt it when he got his automail check-ups. He felt it when he held the girl in despair, regretting to have let her seen things she should never have seen and made her cry, in that somewhat nostalgic alleyway. He felt it in his heart, nonetheless. He felt it in the smiles she never hesitated to give him anytime of the day. The way her words touched his heart and made all things seem a little less complicated. They all became part of the best memories he had. But this wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want plain memories of her. He wanted her right there beside him. All he wanted all this time was for her to be standing in front of the house with open arms and perhaps with an apple pie, when he finally returned.

But it would never happen. It could not happen anymore.

Nothing can be changed now.

Standing next to the desk that she once worked diligently on, where the journal was found, he felt all his energy being drained out of him. Like helpless dust being blown across the oceans by the senseless wind.

Too late.

Words he wanted to deliver never went out of his lips and they could never reach the heart of his beloved.

More tears.

Somehow bleak smiles found their way across his pale face .

A reminiscing smile at the time when they took each other by the hand and walked as if they had the world to their own.

An uncomfortably wretched smile at the thought of ever dreaming to do the same when the shade of their hair faded, when nothing else in the world would matter to them anymore…

He slightly tilted his head to look up at the blue sky, fighting back the unstopping tears, finding a part of him has seemed to fly away into the vast universe…it almost felt like he had come closer to her…

* * *

Once again, Edward carefully picked up the journal and read through it. The fourth time in one day. He could not control the tears at all despite all his effort of staring right up at the ceiling. But he'd rather them fall, than keeping his feelings inside of him, like he did before when he was unsure how she would react if he showed them to her.

But there's no point of that now, is there?

Suddenly, he came across a line of messy writing that stood out from the organised pattern of the rest of the notebook. He must have missed it the last few times. He held it closer and examined it:

Co...me… ho…m….e…to…me….

I….lo…v…e…y…ou…E…d…

He let his fierce tears hit the ground this time.

* * *

_**Journal of one.**_

_**Regret, agony and memories of two.**_


	2. Author's Note

**Authors Note:**

(Somehow I couldn't put this note with the fic, sorry)

This is my first-ever EdxWin fic posted.

Just read manga chapter 104, and was traumatized by it. So I decided to write this fic, dedicated to my all-time favourite couple.

Please let me know what you think, and if there's grammar mistakes. Thanks a lot!!

Thank you for reading!!

~Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, the tragedy in chap 104 wouldn't have happened (with all due respect to Hiromu Arakawa)!!~

Much luv,  
~mangolemonade


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